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What did you do all day? 3/13/2008
A man came home from work and found his three outside,
still In their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty Food boxes
and wrappers Strewn all around the front yard.
The door of his wife's car was open, as was The front
door to the house And there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding Into the
entry, he found An even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked Over,
and the throw rug was Wadded ...
1 Comments,
146 Views,
9 Votes
,5.35 Score
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A gift for my wife... 3/13/2008
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who
purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary
submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol &
Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our
15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something
extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100, 000-volt,
pocket/purse-sized ...
0 Comments,
72 Views,
3 Votes
,3.92 Score
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Bad Luck 2/27/2008
Talk about bad luck,
I went to a funeral the other day and I caught the bouquet!
0 Comments,
72 Views,
1 Votes
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Oscar 2/27/2008
Oscar was new to the school, and it was his senior year.Oscar
always found that people made fun of him, and it was ruff
to fit in.He had a lot of physical changes that summer.So
it was quite nice that by graduation time he was a big hit
at school, or at least the girls.So it was no surprise when
all the girls got up and started singing his now theme song
when the principal called out "Mr. ...
0 Comments,
78 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
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Last Hours 2/25/2008
An old boy was lying on his deathbed nearing his end. His
time was measured in hours not days. As he lay, the smell of fresh baked cookies that his wife
was making wafted upstairs. He so desparately wanted one more of his wife's cookies
before his end came, and so, summoning all his strength
he pulled himself out of his sick-bed, crawled across the
bedroom floor and slithered down the stairs to ...
0 Comments,
96 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
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Korn Flakes. 2/21/2008
One morning as the family was starting to eat theyre korn
flakes.The mom was bitching about her husband not getting
a job.He was bitching about not haing the food he wanted
to eat.He said "you know I hate korn flakes".And
she said "TUFF SHIT, get a job so I can buy some thing
else".He came back with "God is this some of
that powdered milk crap?".And she said "No
damit, we can't afford that ...
0 Comments,
106 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
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Knee deep in love. 2/14/2008
I was in this bar and saw something I still can't get
out of My mind!This gorgeous woman was with this skinny
old man.When she got another drink for her old man, the
bartender just had to ask her why the old man?As she leaned
over(spilling her ampleness half out).She said she used
to be his physical therapist.And that he would not even
try to do his therapy.The bartender ask, what does that
have ...
0 Comments,
102 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
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3 Vodka Shots 2/14/2008
A man walks into a bar and asks for the three shots of vodka.
As the man takes the first shot the bartender asked, "Celebrating
something there?"
"In fact I am. My first blow job, " The man replies,
downing the second shot.
"How was it?"
The man finnished his third shot and says, "Not good.
I can still taste it."
0 Comments,
96 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
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12 Inches 2/14/2008
Question: What does a man with a 12 inch penis eat for breakfast....wait
never mind, i didn't eat breakfast today.
0 Comments,
68 Views,
0 Votes
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Drowning Blonds 2/14/2008
How do you stop a blond from drowning?
Take your foot off her head.
0 Comments,
60 Views,
0 Votes
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speech 2/12/2008
how do you give a woman freedom of speech? by taking your
dick out of her mouth.
0 Comments,
23 Views,
0 Votes
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Jonny and Suzie... 2/11/2008
Johnny and Suzie were walking to home from school one day.
Johnny said to Suzie "I just got a little puppy."
Suzie, unimpressed, replied "So, I have a kennel
of champion retrievers." Johnny frowned for a moment,
then said "My Mommy and Daddy just bought a new car."
Suzie just rolled her eyes and replied "So, my Mommy
and Daddy own a fleet of Cadillacs." So, really wanting
to have something on ...
0 Comments,
140 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
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A very vain man 1/27/2008
A very vain man died and his widow was making the funeral
arrangements. She was concerned that his toupe might become
dislodge during the viewing at the chapel of rest before
the funeral, and expressed such concerns to the undertaker.
The undertaker re-assured the grieving widow by saying,
"Don't worry madam, we'll make sure that
his toupe will not become dislodged." All went well with both the ...
0 Comments,
100 Views,
2 Votes
,1.04 Score
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light bulb 1/16/2008
how many divorced blokes does it take to change a lightbulb....................
none cos she always gets the fuckin house
0 Comments,
42 Views,
0 Votes
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jonnyjoke 1/16/2008
two black guys chatting about condoms, one says, `whats
the nipple on the end for`. the other says, `thats to put your foot on when your taking
them off`
T
0 Comments,
64 Views,
1 Votes
,1.10 Score
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doctor doctor 1/16/2008
A man goes to the doctors, he says `doctor I think ive broke
my arm in several places` doctor says, `well dont go to them places then`
0 Comments,
54 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
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One man 3 drinks 1/4/2008
A stranger walks into a bar and asks for 3 shots of bourbon
in single glass's.
He drinks all 3 very slowly pays and leaves.
This goes on for about 2 months, the barman says to him one
night why do you not have all the drinks in one glass.
The strangaer says he is from a far away place, the 3 drinks
are, one for himself, and the other 2 for his younger twin
brothers, ...
0 Comments,
128 Views,
4 Votes
,2.86 Score
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Man and Pig 1/4/2008
A man walks into a bar with a pig under his arm. The barman
asks" Where on earth did you get that from The pig says
" I won him in a raffle "
0 Comments,
70 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
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Two nuns in a car 12/22/2007
Its a dark cold night, two nuns are driving down a rural lane,
its very very dark and isolated. Suddenly the devil jumps
on the bonnet of the car. " What should we do "
shouts the nun who is in the passenger seat, the nun driving
shouts out " Show him your cross " The nun on the
passenger seat opens the window and shouts out " Get
off the fxxxxx bonnet " !
0 Comments,
106 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score
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in a bar 12/22/2007
A goes into a bar and orders a double bourbon, the bar
man says " Whats with the long face " ?
0 Comments,
108 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
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BLOTCH TEST 11/24/2007
This guy goes to a phyciatrist, with the complaint of an
ailment, the doctor proceeds to show several "ink
blotches" and tells the man give his first impression
of each, w/the first, the man says, "it reminds me
of women's tits" the second one "looked
like a women's ass, " the third blotch reminded
him "of a pussy." the doctor said, "damm
your'e sick." the patient's reply was,
I'm sick, your'e ...
0 Comments,
139 Views,
7 Votes
,2.53 Score
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Tennis Elbow 11/22/2007
One day, John's tennis elbow was acting up and he decided
to stop in and see a doctor. When he got to the doctor's
office the nurse told him he could see the doctor in 15 minutes
but, first he'd have to give a urine sample. John said
that this was absurd but, the nurse insisted and John complied.
15 minutes later, John was ushered in to see the doctor.
"So that tennis elbow is really ...
2 Comments,
151 Views,
7 Votes
,3.80 Score
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Voracious Appetite 11/22/2007
A Rolls Royce pulls up in front of a really expensive restaurant
and a really rich sheik gets out from it followed by a harem
of women, and a rooster. The "party" is escorted
to a table and given a menu.
When time to order the sheik orders for himself and the harem,
and also asks for a basket of apples for the rooster. The
waiter thinks it a bit strange, but does as is asked, and
brings ...
0 Comments,
84 Views,
5 Votes
,2.82 Score
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Completely Cured 11/22/2007
A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. He drinks the beer,
then stands on the bar, drops his pants and pisses all over
the place.
The bar tender freaks out. "You dirty disgusting
pig! How dare you come into my bar and urinate! I'll
beat the shit out of you..."
The man begins crying. "I'm sorry! Its ruining
my life. I can't sleep. I do it every time I have a drink!
It's ...
0 Comments,
90 Views,
5 Votes
,3.14 Score
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Nun in Bath 11/18/2007
A young novice nun is having a bath at the convent, there
is a knock at the door, sh2 cries out in a fluster "Q
who who is it ", a mans voice responds " Its the
blind man from the village ". Thank good ness she thinks
" come in ".
In he walks and says " Nice breasts which window do
you want this blind fitted too "
1 Comments,
162 Views,
6 Votes
,3.93 Score
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A BAD DAY AT THE PARK 11/10/2007
A guy was walkin through the park, when he came across a stranger
with his ear pressed against a tree while he was hugging
the tree with his arms. So he asked "whatcha doin, "
the first guy's reply was I'm listening to the
music the tree is makeing. wanna try it?" The second
guy says "sure". He no sooner gets his arms around
the tree, when the stranger slaps a pair of handcuffs on
both of his ...
2 Comments,
193 Views,
12 Votes
,5.45 Score
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Cletus in court 11/6/2007
Cletus is in the visitors gallery at court. The court clerk reads out the charges "It is alleged that on or about the 9th October, the
defendant beat his wife about the head with a monkey wrench
causing a fracture of her skull"
"That sonnafabitch" mumbled cletus
"it is further alleged that, when confronted by his
wife's brother, the defendant used the same monkey
wrench to hit ...
0 Comments,
151 Views,
6 Votes
,3.08 Score
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Sex in Alaska 11/5/2007
Two guys meet for the first time at LA airport, they have
both just got divorved.
Over a few drinks they agree they will goto Alaska to get
away from everything and start a fresh.
They get to Alaska, and visit a store where they tell the
store keeper they wante enough supplies for 2 men for a full
12 months. He tells them to come back in 2 days. When they
return they pick up the ...
2 Comments,
196 Views,
12 Votes
,2.27 Score
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smile 11/1/2007
What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
There is no difference. The violin just looks smaller because
the violinist's head is so much bigger
Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded,
looking down at the defendant.
"You have, Your Honor, " the man answered hopefully.
"I gave your violin lessons last winter."
"Ah, yes, " recalled the judge. "Twenty ...
0 Comments,
49 Views,
3 Votes
,2.45 Score
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Happy hallowennn 10/31/2007
What do Skeletons say before eating? Bone Appetite. What do blondes and Jack-O-Lanterns have in common? Both
have blank expressions and are hollow inside. Why did the Vampire get fired from the Blood Bank? He was
caught drinking on the job. Why do ghosts have so much trouble dating? Women can see
right through them. Why are Vampires Democrats? They wanted Gore in 2000. What kind of clothes do ...
0 Comments,
44 Views,
4 Votes
,4.02 Score
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